Eek. That Was Dark.

OK, my last post was a little pensive and sad. Here's the thing about blogging for me... it's Tena Light. I never take my readers to the top or the bottom of all that is the Tena Roller Coaster of Life. First of all, there is swearing in those places, and I'm a teacher. I like my job, and I'd like to keep it. It's best to keep the craziness in check here on the blog. I have handwritten journals for all of those rants. So, someday, when I'm dead or retired, knock yourselves out and publish those babies. But for now, to lighten the mood a bit, here are some things you'll really enjoy. Or, at least I did when I was little. :)

Beating a Dead Horse

Do you ever have those certain things that you just can't let go?

My students were working on a Words of Wisdom assignment, where a variety of people of all ages give them advice for life. One of the students had an uncle who told him, "Don't Beat a Dead Horse." We talked about what that meant.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since then. I've never really been a grudge carrier, but I have things that I can't let go. They eat me up.

Probably the worst one in my heart right now is an old friend who I used to consider my second best friend of all time. This friend was with me during some of the best and worst times in my whole life. This friend was at my mom's wedding, and just 2 months later, was at her funeral. We were close for a long time, and then something happened. The trouble is, I'm not sure exactly what I did. I know our last visit didn't go well. I know I overstayed my welcome. I know we didn't connect, and things were tense. I also had no idea that would be the end of our friendship. I tried to let things cool down for a bit, and then I reached out a few times. I basically haven't spoken to this person since. That was, I think, 6 years ago.

I miss her. A lot. There are certain things that she and I would talk about that no one else in my life cared about. I miss how she loved to play games. I miss how smart she is. I miss our inside jokes. I miss her sense of humor. I miss her creativity and good cooking. I miss the memories we share.

I tried to friend her on Facebook, and she won't accept. I private message her on Facebook on her birthday, and she politely responds, but it's clear that she no longer wants to be my friend. I see her comments on other friends' walls. That hurts.

I've apologized even though I'm not really sure what I'm apologizing for. I was a crappy friend. I made a mistake. I admit those things freely. I don't know what else to do. I'm so sorry she's not my friend anymore. I feel like someone has died, and I can't grieve the loss.

I sometimes google her or bring up her Facebook profile page. Am I just a glutton for punishment? I guess I just miss her, and I still love her. I wish she could meet Andrew. I wish I knew if she is happy and well. Maybe by writing about it here, I can make some peace with it. It just makes me so sad. I blew it, and there's no way to fix it. That's a hard pill to swallow.

Why can't I let this go? Why do I just keep beating that dead horse?

What dead horses are in your life?

At Last, South America!

I'm completely obsessed with the ClustrMap on my blog. (See over <------------- there). It amazes me where I get hits. I wonder how someone in Qatar or Poland or South Africa ever even finds my blog. Even if they're just passing through and never come back, it's cool to see where these people are. I have loved watching the red dots from all over the world appear on my map. Until yesterday, the only continent (other than Antarctica) that has eluded me has been South America. Until yesterday. Let's hear it for the mighty country of Peru!

For a random change of topics, last night was the first high school football game of the season. High school football in a small town is the best. I sat with my friends in lawn chairs, with kids running around, people laughing, the band playing, the team winning, and a giant chocolate-covered rice krispie treat in my hand. OK. I had two. They have m&m's in them too. They're scrumptious. After the game, a bunch of us went over to the Sloat's (I've mentioned Roberta before in the post called "The Book That's Currently Messing With My Head" ) to continue the celebration. High school football games are just one more reason I love the fall. I had the windows open one night this week, and there was a glimmer of fall in the air. It's coming!

Quote of the Day

Know what I love? I love when words cross my path that touch me to my core. Sometimes you need something, and you might not even know it. But the universe senses a disturbance in the force, and it tosses you a care package in a little silver parachute. I read this quote on Kelle Hampton's blog (I'm a little obsessed with her beautiful blog), and it gave me what I needed today. Good.

"Strange is our situation here upon earth. Each of us comes for a short visit, not knowing why, yet sometimes seeming to a divine purpose. From the standpoint of daily life, however, there is one thing we do know: That we are here for the sake of others...for the countless unknown souls with whose fate we are connected by a bond of sympathy. Many times a day, I realize how much my outer and inner life is built upon the labors of people, both living and dead, and how earnestly I must exert myself in order to give in return as much as I have received.” Albert Einstein

FINALLY!

I couldn't rely on Amazon.com. Who knew our own little Wal-Mart in Fairfield, Iowa, would be the place that carried the book my students (& I) have been waiting months for?!?! Mine came instantly on the Kindle, but I felt so bad that I didn't have it to share with them. Now it's here!

Headache from Hades, Part II

I finally got into the Ear Nose Throat doctor today. I hate missing school for doctor's appointments, but I really didn't have a choice. I looked at my preliminary CT scan, and he showed me the exact source of my headache from Hades. The reason my left eyeball has felt like it's going to pop out is that I have a marble-sized pocket of infection (yummy) surrounded by scar tissue that is pressing directly on my left eyeball. It can't drain at all and will have to be surgically opened. Um, yea. Imagine my glee.

Next step, a sinus CT scan and probably setting up the surgery. Maybe the sinus CT will show some miraculous new possibility. I can dream, right?

On a positive note, it's pretty cool looking at a CT scan of your own head. Pretty darned amazing, in fact.

Limerick War

I just got invited (challenged? coerced? baited?) into a Limerick War with some fellow bloggers (Random Thoughts with Professor Chuck, Dancing Under the Stars, and The Wizard's Den). I'm probably not up for a full scale invasion, but I'm game to join the battle for one post. Maybe we'll start a limerick revolution. ;)

How I Imagine my Brother's Future Children
by me

Star Wars by Someone Who's Three:
"Shiny Guy" 'stead of C3.
Don't talk back to Vader,
Yard Sale a la Tusken Raider,
It's an exciting movie.

Yes, I know line 4 needs some work, but the Vader & Tusken Raider rhyme was too fun to pass up. The following clip was my inspiration. Enjoy!

The Teacher Becomes the Student

Today was an emotional day... in a fantastic way.

I saw Big River again last night. I knew some of the cast was going to be visiting my classroom today, so I watched it through that particular lens. It is a beautiful show about so many things. But last night, what really stood out for me were the lessons on friendship and being nonjudgemental. The line that struck me the hardest was when Jim says, "...en trash is what people is dat puts dirt on de head er dey fren's en makes 'em ashamed." It made me think of how kids (and we adults too) make jokes at the expense of others. I have such a hard time getting my kids to be kind to one another. It's a constant battle. I love watching Huck's transformation in the show. You can see him start to listen to his heart. He finally realizes that doing the right thing for another human being is what matters... not the color of that human's skin. In a middle school, it's not the clothes they wear or where they live or if they love school or if they're awkward and don't fit in. None of that matters. Such hard lessons for adolescents. Such hard lessons for people of any age.

4 of the cast members came to talk. I thought it went great. I was proud to have them in my classroom. They were all wonderful, but the honest truth is that the majority of kids in Fairfield, Iowa, don't have multicultural role models. For that reason, I was especially glad to have Evan in my room today. I'm proud to call him friend. I'm proud of his performance and his show too. Please don't miss Big River if you're around Fairfield this weekend. You'll laugh, and you'll cry. Totally worth every cent.

I also tried a new activity with my language arts classes today. I gave them three cards. One one, they wrote "I want." The others said "I need" and "I hope." On the other sides of the cards, they filled in each statement. They just put their initials on the side that won't show, so the answers will be anonymous when I post them on the bulletin board to share. I was so touched by their responses. They were so honest. They really wrote their hearts, in all their 7th grade glory. Some of the ones that stood out for me (for all kinds of reasons... funny, touching, so "7th grade," sincere) were:

"I hope my teachers will like me."

"I need a way to majicaly get better at spelling."

"I need school supplies."

"I hope this year isn't as bad as everyone says it is."

"I want the Presidential Education Award."

"I need to be nice. Even when it's hard."

"I hope I get another friend."

"I want my last name pronounced right."

"I want to have better grades."

"I want two chocolate milks for lunch."

"I hope I pass this class."

"I need some classes to let me be creative and myself, and some classes to keep me in reality."

"I want a good teacher."

"I need an iPhone."

"I hope I do good in sports this year so I can get my confidence up."

"I hope that 7th grade will be OK."

"I need A NEW CELL PHONE!!! And to read more......?"

"I want a eating place with chicken lips this year."

"I want to meet new people, and make more friends."

"I need good teachers to help me learn."

I'll do my best, kids. Thanks for your honesty and heart. I can tell that you have so much to teach me. I know it's going to be a great year... especially if my heart stays as full and happy as it is today. :)

Wild Roller Coaster Day

I think I've experienced every conceivable emotion today.

The school day was a frantic sprint of getting kids to the right place, running through syllabi, repeating rules, hearing great summer stories, smiling until my face hurt, and then finally stopping to breathe a little this afternoon. Day 1 done, 179 to go! ;) All in all, I think it went well. I didn't cover as much as I wanted to, but it's all good. The kids are great, and I was so glad to see them all.

On the other end of the spectrum, 15 years ago today, my world changed forever. The day my mom died was the day that my heart changed from innocent and unblemished and naive to scarred and war-torn. I had no real idea what "lonely" or "empty" or "shocked" felt like until that day. I've come a long way since then, and I hardly ever feel lonely anymore, but I also don't think that anyone in my life will ever again know me like my mom did. A mother's love just cannot be replicated. And it can't be replaced. I'm lucky to have love in my life, but I will never be the same after that day 15 years ago. The sting isn't as painful or sharp, but it hasn't gone away completely. I know it never will.

My mom was perfect. I don't mean she was a perfect person... she wasn't, and she never claimed to be. But for me, she was the perfect mom. I guess we had to squeeze in a lot of happiness into 23 years because the big guy upstairs knew we wouldn't have a lifetime for it. My mom made me who I am, and she was the perfect role model for me... strong, fun-loving, seeking, caring, understanding, inspiring, spunky. I miss her every single day.

Emotional Roller Coaster Day!

'Twas the Night Before...

Tonight is the last night of summer, and as if to remind us that summer is indeed over, it was about 68 degrees and rainy all day. From a heat index of 110 to a high of 68. Only in Iowa.

I think I'm ready. My classroom is definitely ready, more ready than it's ever been before. I should really film it or something so I can remember that it once looked this good and tidy. Tomorrow will be frantic. Our classes end up only being about 17 minutes long, so not much is really going to take place. I'm excited though. I love the first day of school.

We had a get-together at my principal's house tonight for dinner. Not too many people showed up... I wish more would have, but it was nice. We have so many teachers who have young families now. There were tons of little kids running around, and I got to hold Miss Alexandra again... twice. It's nice to have little ones around.

Our Hawkeye tickets came in the mail this week. I'm ready. It should be a great season, and it will be nice to have Andrew with me for half the games. My friend Heather and I have our season tickets together, and our boyfriends are splitting a ticket this year. It's even close to ours... just the row in front of us, so it will be fun to share the season with them.

To close this evening, a little celebratory video of my favorite "back to school" commercial... enjoy!

Laptop!

All the teachers in our school district this year got MacBooks... I'm having so much fun learning how to use it. How did I survive without a laptop? LOL I'm especially going to love it for skyping. It has a built in camera, and it's so convenient. I was playing with the camera last night and got Andrew in on the fun.

Headache from Hades

Here's the latest on the Headache from Hades: Friday, Day 8, was the worst. I was almost crying before bed. When I woke up on Day 9, I didn't feel the stabbing pain. I stayed horizontal for almost an hour because I was afraid if I sat up, the stabbing would start again. When I did sit up, I was still basically pain-free. I was almost crying again, but this time for joy. I thought I was going to lose my mind if that thing didn't let up. Since I can't get into the Ear Nose Throat specialist until after school starts, I was afraid that if I had that much pain for that long... well, I didn't know if I could handle it. Today, Day 10, I have a little pain, but nowhere NEAR where it was for 8 days. The fog around my head has lifted. Now, I'm procrastinating getting my classroom done. And I cannot blame that on the Headache from Hades anymore. Hmmm. I guess it was good for something. ;)

Big River

I have always thought that To Kill a Mockingbird was THE great American novel. Last night, I began to doubt that thought. Last night, I saw the musical Big River, based on Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn. This was one amazing show. I know I pretty much say that about any musical I see. I can't help it. Musicals touch me. I've said it before... some artists work in oils or clay. I work in Broadway.

Anyway, this show was spectacular. This show marked Adam Cates' directorial debut. Adam is a choreographer, and the dancing was sensational... folksy, energetic, and fun. But there are songs in this show that have such beautiful harmonies, and Adam let them be. He let the actors just sing them, all their energy going into the heart of the vocals. My heart grew three sizes every time that happened. The acting was wonderful too. I saw sides of this summer's interns that I'd never even glimpsed in Annie.

It was a fantastic night of entertainment. I laughed, I cried, and I thought about the story Mark Twain told in his work. Huck's story is really the story of America and its continuing journey of growing up, convincing itself its way was the right way, having to reexamine values, being made to feel uncomfortable, and then finally forcing itself to stand up for what is right.

I've read many books on slavery. I've seen movies and TV shows. But, in this day and age, it's rare to see a live human being put in that position. Jim was played by Evan Tyrone Martin who has done several shows here in Fairfield. He's a Facebook friend of mine, and I don't know him well, but I know him. And seeing him as a slave, being mistreated, well... it hurt. I was ashamed and sorry, and it hurt. I sat in row C, and I saw the sweat rolling off his neck while his hands were chained together. It was hard to watch. This is a gift of live theatre. It put me in an uncomfortable place and made me explore my feelings and beliefs.

In this digital age, we must continue to put ourselves in situations that make us feel and make us walk in the shoes of another. We live in a world of instant entertainment... high speed internet, Netflix, DVR. They're wonderful. But, we must not completely anesthetize ourselves behind that monitor or screen. We must go to the theatre.

Go see Big River at the Sondheim Center!

Tomorrow's the Big Day

Tonight I'm enjoying the last meager hours of summer. It's quiet and cool in my house, and I'm a little pensive, but not in a bad way. I'm reflecting and dreaming and planning in that endless cycle that happens at the start of every school year. I've started my lists, and my room is starting to look like a classroom again.

I vented through some frustrations with Suzanne at lunch today, and I think I'm ready to push them down the stream. I don't want them in my heart for tomorrow. Away with you, negativity and helplessness. I will start fresh and do what I can where I can.

I held Karla's month-old baby Alexandra today. She slept in my sweaty arms, and I gave her back WAY too soon because that kind of heat can't be good for such a little one. She fit in the crook of my arm like a perfect oval pumpkin. I'm so happy for them... she's so wanted and loved. I can't wait to hold her again. There's nothing like a new baby to make you feel good about the universe.

I'm looking forward to getting my laptop, and I'm already thinking of how it's going to change my practice for this year.

I'm looking forward to seeing my friends & colleagues... "teeps," as Suzanne calls them. My theatre friends will be leaving Fairfield in a week, and that makes me sad. But, it's time for my teeps and my kids. I'm looking forward to being with all of them.

I have taken some big bites this summer, in regards to the upcoming school year. I hope they're not more than I can chew. But, I also think it's better to bite big than to not bite at all. Not biting is not my style. ;)

I'm rereading The Hunger Games, and next, I'll reread Catching Fire. I have to be ready for the wonderful day that Mockingjay magically appears on my Kindle. I already have a student with dibs on one of the hard copies I ordered. She begged me in a restaurant this summer where we both happened to be having lunch... "Can I please be the first one to check out Mockingjay?" I can't resist a passion for books. Of course, I said YES.

I do have one thing to brag about. I'm pretty sure that in my entire teaching career, I have never started the year how I will be able to start this one. I do not have a single stash pile anywhere. No hidden piles to sort, no boxes of "stuff" I want to save, no messes in drawers or file cabinets. My desk is even cleaned out. All the crap is filed, sorted, organized, or tossed. My room is not ready for kids yet, but when it is, it will REALLY be ready... ready like I've wanted it to be every year. That's a good feeling (and a new feeling)!

So, tomorrow is the big day. Let the school year begin!

Random Thoughts of the Day

* It's Africa hot at school, and my room isn't even upstairs. I feel for everyone up there, and as I'm sweating, I must remember never to complain. I remember the 9 years that my classroom was upstairs. Ugh. I was miserable today, and I was alone in the room. Pile 22 adolescent bodies on top of that sundae of awesomeness, and see what kind of glorious funk you get then. I'll let you know next Wednesday.

* I'm on Day 6 of the Headache from Hades. I went back to the doctor today, and they decided to run a CT scan. I'm happy to report that I do not have a brain tumor. I most likely, however, will require another sinus surgery (had the first one in college) to clear up this little issue for good. Lovely.

* I really did not mean this to be a griping post. I'll turn it around now.

* Tomorrow I get to have lunch with Suzanne. Yea!

* I've been tutoring a boy named Mark in the mornings. He & I are having a ball reading Choose Your Own Adventure books together. They're extra cool on the Kindle too because you just click the choice, and it whisks you right there. I am not embarrassed to admit that I downloaded Mystery of the Maya quite a long time ago because it was my very very favorite one when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. Mark & I started Journey Under the Sea today, and it's pretty fun too. It sucks me right back to elementary school. I loved these books so much!

* I have the funniest picture to put into our Back To School slideshow. Our principal always asks for pictures from what the teachers did over the summer. We watch the slideshow during our first meeting as a building staff. I haven't seen all the Annie pictures yet, but I asked the photographer if he'd send me one good one as Miss Hannigan to put into the slideshow. Wow, did he send a winner. I look completely psychotic. If this won't keep the vermin away, I don't know what will! I think I should keep a copy of this picture on my classroom door to welcome my new students! LOL


* Finally, yesterday I totally cut my hair off. 8 inches gone. It's now a curly wild pile on my head, and I'm really liking it. I don't know what possessed me exactly, but I'm happy with it. I needed a change, I guess.


A little sidebar here... could it possibly be any more awkward taking your own photo? Do you smile? Do you look serious? Do you try to act natural? I just went with the "OK, you asked for a picture, Facebook Friends... now you've got it" approach. Awkward.

Reunion Remembrances

It had unexpected moments, both good and bad. It had old friends; it had new revelations. It had laughter and smiles. It was my 20th high school reunion.

I'm still processing it all, so I don't know how much I actually have to say yet. But, I had fun. Especially on Friday. Saturday was more low-key. Saturday was our banquet thing, and it was more like I had expected the reunion to feel. It was nice, but... Friday was where it was at for me. A hundred and some people crammed into the top floor of Glory Days. The whole night was smiling for pictures, hugging old friends, trying to figure out who people were without being totally obvious about reading their nametags, and laughing... laughing a LOT. It was loud, I was sticking to the floor, people were screaming to be heard, cameras were flashing everywhere. It was great!

Here are some discoveries:

1. Some of the people that you didn't think even knew your name in high school want to talk to you.

2. 20 years erases some of the high school crap. I shared hugs and laughs with kids from elementary school. There's something about a shared history that seems to transcend time.

3. There are still some people that don't like me, or that's how it feels. I don't know if that's crazy or not. I wish I would have talked to some of them, because I wanted to, but I was inhibited. But also, after 20 years, I don't care quite as much as I did... like I said, 20 years erases SOME of the high school crap.

4. Everybody has been down a crap river of their own. There are no golden princes or princesses who manage to avoid the crap after 20 years. The new golden princes and princesses are those that have been drug through the crap and have risen above it to find themselves and to find happiness. Their stories touched and amazed me.

5. Your 20th high school reunion makes you say "crap" a lot... among other things...

6. One of the biggest joys is when you know you won't see a person. They aren't coming to the reunion. You're resigned to that fact. Then, you turn around, and they've changed their mind. That is a wonderful moment.

7. I do not have the celebratory stamina I had 20 years ago. A few still did, but I was not one of those few. I'm definitely feeling the effects of a weekend of merriment today. I need sleep!

8. Most people look exactly the same. Sure, we have some wrinkles. We have less hair or more pudge, but when people smile, you see that teenager that you knew. I couldn't believe how much everyone really looked like themselves.

9. Your biggest high school mistake could also be someone else's. And the moment that mistake is mutually revealed can be the funniest and most truthful part of an entire weekend.

10. Even if you're a little nervous, don't miss your 20th high school reunion. I'm so glad I didn't miss mine.

No one has facial expressions like Kim!

Trace with Tony... I was so glad to see him!!!

Matt & me... maybe my favorite & most unexpected conversation of the night.

Dan... cracking me up since the 8th grade!

Aren't they gorgeous?

Abraham Lincoln High School Class of 1990
20th reunion, August 6-7, 2010

Class Reunion Thoughts

I'm totally copying something my best friend Tracy did on Facebook yesterday about her thoughts and experiences in high school. Our upcoming reunion of the Abraham Lincoln High School Class of 1990 is bringing up a lot of STUFF in all of us. Using Tracy's format, I came up with a list of my own...

Do you remember when you smiled at me in the hall? We never spoke to each other, but it always made me think of you as a nice person.

Do you remember when we said we needed to help the choir director so we could take a nap in the music library during our study hall? That rest in the dark on the cool floor energized me every day.

Do you remember when you wrote me a note almost every day of my sophomore year? I looked forward to that time every day.

Do you remember when you would drive me home before I had my license? I felt grown up.

Do you remember when you read a note to your entire class that I'd asked you to deliver? I felt so betrayed, and I never trusted you again.

Do you remember when we were in the musical together? It felt like a family.

Do you remember when we would eat peanut butter bars every day for lunch? It was our thing.

Do you remember swing choir contest? I'm glad I went through those events with you.

Do you remember hanging out in my family room all the time? I loved that my friends wanted to be at my house. My mom loved it too.

Do you remember when you flirted with me in class? You made me feel beautiful.

Do you remember when we grew apart? I still don't understand what happened, and I'm still a little hurt by it after all those years.

Do you remember when you spread that lie about me? I knew it was you.

Do you remember when you had that solo in concert choir? I was jealous, but no one could have done it like you did. It was perfect.

Do you remember when I had the worst crush on the guy who was crazy about you? Of course you don't, because I never told you.

Do you remember when we went to state in basketball? I don't like basketball at all, but it was so fun to be swept up in the school spirit. It felt like everyone belonged.

Do you remember when I made fun of how you walk? I'm sorry. It was stupid and mean, and you were always so sweet and nice to me. I wish I could take that back.

Do you remember when you were so condescending about my bad grade on a test? Well, I know your ACT score, and you didn't really have a right to be condescending... ;) OK, that was catty. I know. I guess I haven't totally outgrown my high school self.

Do you remember when you stuck pencils up your nose while I was giving a speech to your class? I didn't skip a beat. I realized that I'm strong and that I can do anything I set my mind to.

Do you remember when I cussed you out at a pep assembly for mocking my friends? I was surprised and proud of myself. I wonder if you're still a jerk.

Do you remember how I stopped being your friend? I'm sorry I ignored you. I was new, and I just wanted to fit in. I wish I had handled that differently because I know I hurt you. I wish that stuff hadn't mattered to me then.

Do you remember when everyone sprayed silly string at graduation (except me because Mr. Brown took mine away)? It was breathtaking. And I'm not one bit sorry that we ruined the floor mats.

Do you remember how I made a choice for myself? You were angry, but I had to do it. I'm sorry it hurt you, but I so rarely did things like that. I needed it. If I had made the choice for you, my heart wouldn't have been in it. It would have been worse.

Do you remember going to football games? I loved Friday nights. I also loved when we broke the bleachers because we ALL had to stand on them instead of on the floor.

Do you remember our nasty P.E. uniforms? Enough said.

Do you remember when you brought me a rose? I didn't like you "like that," but it was so sweet, and it meant a lot to me.

Do you remember when I stayed the night and thought I felt a lipstick under the pillow, and it was your finger?!?!?! We laughed and I wasn't embarrassed anymore. I knew you'd always accept everything about me, even the weird and annoying things.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

Today would have been my mom's 60th birthday. It's hard to imagine her being 60 when she's forever frozen in time at 45 for me. Happy birthday, Mom. I miss you!

Today I Love...

* That until Starbucks comes to Fairfield, there is a substitute...

* Dinner at George's with the fabulous Stephen Crisp

* My puppy

* The sound of the locusts in the trees at dusk... totally Iowa. This sound literally made me burst into tears when I was living in Texas and I heard it in the background of the movie Bridges of Madison County


* Afternoon chats with Suzanne & the kids