Beating a Dead Horse

Do you ever have those certain things that you just can't let go?

My students were working on a Words of Wisdom assignment, where a variety of people of all ages give them advice for life. One of the students had an uncle who told him, "Don't Beat a Dead Horse." We talked about what that meant.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since then. I've never really been a grudge carrier, but I have things that I can't let go. They eat me up.

Probably the worst one in my heart right now is an old friend who I used to consider my second best friend of all time. This friend was with me during some of the best and worst times in my whole life. This friend was at my mom's wedding, and just 2 months later, was at her funeral. We were close for a long time, and then something happened. The trouble is, I'm not sure exactly what I did. I know our last visit didn't go well. I know I overstayed my welcome. I know we didn't connect, and things were tense. I also had no idea that would be the end of our friendship. I tried to let things cool down for a bit, and then I reached out a few times. I basically haven't spoken to this person since. That was, I think, 6 years ago.

I miss her. A lot. There are certain things that she and I would talk about that no one else in my life cared about. I miss how she loved to play games. I miss how smart she is. I miss our inside jokes. I miss her sense of humor. I miss her creativity and good cooking. I miss the memories we share.

I tried to friend her on Facebook, and she won't accept. I private message her on Facebook on her birthday, and she politely responds, but it's clear that she no longer wants to be my friend. I see her comments on other friends' walls. That hurts.

I've apologized even though I'm not really sure what I'm apologizing for. I was a crappy friend. I made a mistake. I admit those things freely. I don't know what else to do. I'm so sorry she's not my friend anymore. I feel like someone has died, and I can't grieve the loss.

I sometimes google her or bring up her Facebook profile page. Am I just a glutton for punishment? I guess I just miss her, and I still love her. I wish she could meet Andrew. I wish I knew if she is happy and well. Maybe by writing about it here, I can make some peace with it. It just makes me so sad. I blew it, and there's no way to fix it. That's a hard pill to swallow.

Why can't I let this go? Why do I just keep beating that dead horse?

What dead horses are in your life?