Friday, December 18, 2009

Even if It's Not What I Would Have Chosen for Myself

Contentment is being able to come to terms with where you are and what's going on in your life, even if it's not what you would have chosen for yourself. Nancy Twigg

A friend of mine on Facebook had this as her status today. Contentment. I'm not there today. This time of year isn't always easy. I really miss my mom and my grandma. Some days it feels like I'm hanging by a thread, and this is one of them. I need to come to terms with where I am and what's going on in my life.

I found out two things tonight in reading the Fairfield Ledger. Two pretty sucky things.

1. The Methodist Church isn't having a late Christmas Eve service. Since my parents got divorced in 1979, I think I have missed this service once or twice in my life, both times when Grandma was sick and in the hospital. It just isn't Christmas to me without it. I know it sounds weird, but Mom and Grandma are there then. I feel them there. I feel my family around me. I need that so much for Christmas to be happy and not be a lonely pit of despair. I don't know what I'm going to do now. I could go to the early service, but honestly, it's a different feel. I don't know if I'll get to that place with 40 billion people there. I could also go to my own church, but it's not really Christmas to me. There's no music. There's no tradition. Christmas Eve is being with my mom. I never went to my dad's until Christmas Day. HER church is my Christmas Eve tradition. Sigh.

2. The school board has requested our first day of classes to be on August 18 of next year. That means my first day will probably be August 13. This is one freaking day after the State Fair starts. I won't get to go at all now, let alone hope for the good old days of Dad having the camper up there for the whole Fair. Tracy and I always go to the Fair. Sigh.

I just feel like my life isn't mine right now... like I'm watching it slip away... every dream and tradition and joy I've had for myself. Going, going, gone. I know it's the holidays. I always get emotional this time of year.

I have many blessings in my life, and I need to focus on those... even if it's not what I would have chosen for myself. Even if it's not what I would have chosen for myself. Even if it's not what I would have chosen for myself. Contentment. Coming to terms. Even if it's not what I would have chosen for myself.

OK. Pity Party over. Tomorrow is another day!

1 comment:

  1. In some ways, I know how you feel. But it's my meds that are doing all this to me. It sucks to be unhappy, depressed, and feeling frayed. I hope you get over it soon! I for one would like to beat up whoever thinks of this school starting stuff! BOO ON THEM.


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