These Is My Words

“Sometimes I feel like a tree on a hill, at the place where all the wind blows and the hail hits the tree the hardest. All the people I love are down the side aways, sheltered under a great rock, and I am out of the fold, standing alone in the sun and the snow. I feel like I am not part of the rest somehow, although they welcome me and are kind. I see my family as they sit together and it is like they have a certain way between them that is beyond me. I wonder if other folks ever feel included yet alone.”
― Nancy E. Turner, These Is My Words: The Diary of Sarah Agnes Prine, 1881-1901

Okonomiyaki and Other Hmmm's

Andrew's Holly is off on an adventure for a few days, but before she left, she made us a week's supply of Okonomiyaki, Osaka style. Oh my stars, it is delicious. She has made us Hiroshima style in the past, but that's harder to make ahead of time. My quest today was to find out how many freaking Weight Watcher points there are in Okonomiyaki. I found so many different recipes, it was unbelievable. The conclusion I came to is this: every culture has a few dishes that are "garbage" dishes, where you can throw in a little of whatever you have on hand. Filipino cuisine has pancit, which is one of my favorites. In high school, my friend Ricco's mom Alita would make us pancit and Filipino eggrolls, and we thought we were in Heaven!

What do you think is the American equivalent of this "garbage" dish? I was thinking omelettes, but those aren't really American. Maybe the sandwich? Hm. Something to ponder.

And in case you were wondering (humor me, and pretend like you care), I think the point value for the version I ate is 9.

Today I Need a Little Taylor Mali

Thanks. I needed that.

Animal Totem

In many Native American cultures, there is a concept of a totem, or symbol that represents a person, a tribe, or a family. This totem is usually an animal, and this animal is a guide or a guardian spirit. This Legends of America website does a nice job explaining the idea. I also like how it explains how you can discover what your animal totem is. I like thinking of different animals that fascinate or resonate with me.

The second time I went to Alaska, just weeks after my mom died, I became fascinated with the salmon. I went with my cousin Kathy and her kids to her husband's family's homestead. You had to hike in to it a couple of miles. It was the beginning of September, and the berries were fermenting on the vine in the forest, and the whole place smelled like fruity wine. The bears were fat and sleepy, getting ready to hibernate for the winter. I saw the exact place where they would sit in the stream and fish. And the salmon were on the very last leg of their journeys home. They were literally dying from the outside in. I went canoeing for the very first time, and they would swim by us in the stream, barely able to move, but still struggling on. I'm sure it sounds gross to think of their flesh basically falling off of them as they swam, but it wasn't gross to me at all. It completely mesmerized me... that these fish had an instinct so strong and a job so important to do, that they would not stop doing it until their bodies literally fell apart. Even when they are mostly dead, they go on. There was something very beautiful in that to me. When you look at what the animal totem of a salmon means, it stands for determination and persistence. That this animal came into my life when I was at the bottom of the pit of despair is pretty amazing and wonderful.

When my friend Cate would invite me to her island in Ontario, there were many things I fell in love with, but one above all others was the loon. The first summer I went to her cottage, a loon pair had babies, and the babies rode on the back of the parent. It was seriously the cutest thing I had ever seen. At night, we would fall asleep to the loon's song. During the day, we would watch them hunt and swim and dive, wondering where they would surface again. Last summer, when I went to Alaska again (I never noticed this Alaska/animal totem connection until right now), I mentioned on my last day that the next time I visited, I hoped to go canoeing. My Aunt Darlene, Uncle Bob, and my cousins tried to think of a way to make it happen before I left. We went to a little lake on base called Otter Lake, and it was magic. My cousin Ahnna was with me in the canoe, and we saw some loons in the distance. We paddled over to them, because I wanted to get closer. They had told me the loons nested on the far edge of the lake, and we probably wouldn't be able to get close because of how protective the loon pairs would be. Ahnna and I quietly got about 30 feet away from a pair. We put our paddles up, and just watched. It was beautiful. They finally dove under, and we let out the breath we'd been holding in, smiling at our fortune. Suddenly, the loons surfaced about 10 feet from us, not scared at all. They swam around our canoe, and one dove under and swam right under our canoe! It absolutely took my breath away. Beautiful. Today, I discovered the Native American symbolism for a loon. It symbolizes hope, dreams, wishes, creativity, music, and imagination.

I think anyone who knows me would say I'm a perfect balance of persistence, determination, hope, and creativity. The salmon and the loon make complete sense for me.

Which brings me to today...

Today I met with my Centering Prayer group because our Judy was back in town from Washington State. Aside from one other person I can think of, my Centering Prayer ladies are the only other women I allow to mother me in any sort of way. They are very dear to me. Our Centering Prayer times on Friday afternoons fill me up like nothing else really does.

Judy brought these wonderful little charms with her from Washington. They each had animal totems on them. She brought little cards that explained what each totem meant. At the top of the card, leading the two columns, were the salmon and the loon. I smiled... there they were! My animals! Judy had a handful of little charms that she spread out on the table. We were to choose, but maybe more than that, we were to let the charms choose us. There wasn't a loon, but I saw the salmon. I knew it was mine.

We all gathered around, and before I knew it, my salmon had been snatched. And not by me! Hey! I'm the salmon! Hm. I looked at the others left, and Judy scolded me for examining them so closely. I felt them all in my hand and chose the one that had the "right" feel. It was the moon. Not an animal at all. And on the back, it said "guidance."

Before Judy brought out the animal totems, we'd had 3 1/2 hours of wonderful catching up. We'd all shared things about our lives. We'd laughed and commiserated with each other. I'd shared some upcoming huge, life-altering decisions I have ahead with life, love, work, and my future. This year could bring some big changes my way.

Guidance. When I thought about it, it's what I'm going to need most this year. I didn't even see it at the time my salmon went into the hand of another.

Guidance.

Thank you, Judy, for your beautiful gift. I'll keep it with me as I continually seek guidance in my life this year.

Gotta love those God moments. Keep them coming, Big Guy.

Beating a Dead Horse

Do you ever have those certain things that you just can't let go?

My students were working on a Words of Wisdom assignment, where a variety of people of all ages give them advice for life. One of the students had an uncle who told him, "Don't Beat a Dead Horse." We talked about what that meant.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since then. I've never really been a grudge carrier, but I have things that I can't let go. They eat me up.

Probably the worst one in my heart right now is an old friend who I used to consider my second best friend of all time. This friend was with me during some of the best and worst times in my whole life. This friend was at my mom's wedding, and just 2 months later, was at her funeral. We were close for a long time, and then something happened. The trouble is, I'm not sure exactly what I did. I know our last visit didn't go well. I know I overstayed my welcome. I know we didn't connect, and things were tense. I also had no idea that would be the end of our friendship. I tried to let things cool down for a bit, and then I reached out a few times. I basically haven't spoken to this person since. That was, I think, 6 years ago.

I miss her. A lot. There are certain things that she and I would talk about that no one else in my life cared about. I miss how she loved to play games. I miss how smart she is. I miss our inside jokes. I miss her sense of humor. I miss her creativity and good cooking. I miss the memories we share.

I tried to friend her on Facebook, and she won't accept. I private message her on Facebook on her birthday, and she politely responds, but it's clear that she no longer wants to be my friend. I see her comments on other friends' walls. That hurts.

I've apologized even though I'm not really sure what I'm apologizing for. I was a crappy friend. I made a mistake. I admit those things freely. I don't know what else to do. I'm so sorry she's not my friend anymore. I feel like someone has died, and I can't grieve the loss.

I sometimes google her or bring up her Facebook profile page. Am I just a glutton for punishment? I guess I just miss her, and I still love her. I wish she could meet Andrew. I wish I knew if she is happy and well. Maybe by writing about it here, I can make some peace with it. It just makes me so sad. I blew it, and there's no way to fix it. That's a hard pill to swallow.

Why can't I let this go? Why do I just keep beating that dead horse?

What dead horses are in your life?

Random Thoughts of the Day

* It's Africa hot at school, and my room isn't even upstairs. I feel for everyone up there, and as I'm sweating, I must remember never to complain. I remember the 9 years that my classroom was upstairs. Ugh. I was miserable today, and I was alone in the room. Pile 22 adolescent bodies on top of that sundae of awesomeness, and see what kind of glorious funk you get then. I'll let you know next Wednesday.

* I'm on Day 6 of the Headache from Hades. I went back to the doctor today, and they decided to run a CT scan. I'm happy to report that I do not have a brain tumor. I most likely, however, will require another sinus surgery (had the first one in college) to clear up this little issue for good. Lovely.

* I really did not mean this to be a griping post. I'll turn it around now.

* Tomorrow I get to have lunch with Suzanne. Yea!

* I've been tutoring a boy named Mark in the mornings. He & I are having a ball reading Choose Your Own Adventure books together. They're extra cool on the Kindle too because you just click the choice, and it whisks you right there. I am not embarrassed to admit that I downloaded Mystery of the Maya quite a long time ago because it was my very very favorite one when I was in 3rd or 4th grade. Mark & I started Journey Under the Sea today, and it's pretty fun too. It sucks me right back to elementary school. I loved these books so much!

* I have the funniest picture to put into our Back To School slideshow. Our principal always asks for pictures from what the teachers did over the summer. We watch the slideshow during our first meeting as a building staff. I haven't seen all the Annie pictures yet, but I asked the photographer if he'd send me one good one as Miss Hannigan to put into the slideshow. Wow, did he send a winner. I look completely psychotic. If this won't keep the vermin away, I don't know what will! I think I should keep a copy of this picture on my classroom door to welcome my new students! LOL


* Finally, yesterday I totally cut my hair off. 8 inches gone. It's now a curly wild pile on my head, and I'm really liking it. I don't know what possessed me exactly, but I'm happy with it. I needed a change, I guess.


A little sidebar here... could it possibly be any more awkward taking your own photo? Do you smile? Do you look serious? Do you try to act natural? I just went with the "OK, you asked for a picture, Facebook Friends... now you've got it" approach. Awkward.

Class Reunion Thoughts

I'm totally copying something my best friend Tracy did on Facebook yesterday about her thoughts and experiences in high school. Our upcoming reunion of the Abraham Lincoln High School Class of 1990 is bringing up a lot of STUFF in all of us. Using Tracy's format, I came up with a list of my own...

Do you remember when you smiled at me in the hall? We never spoke to each other, but it always made me think of you as a nice person.

Do you remember when we said we needed to help the choir director so we could take a nap in the music library during our study hall? That rest in the dark on the cool floor energized me every day.

Do you remember when you wrote me a note almost every day of my sophomore year? I looked forward to that time every day.

Do you remember when you would drive me home before I had my license? I felt grown up.

Do you remember when you read a note to your entire class that I'd asked you to deliver? I felt so betrayed, and I never trusted you again.

Do you remember when we were in the musical together? It felt like a family.

Do you remember when we would eat peanut butter bars every day for lunch? It was our thing.

Do you remember swing choir contest? I'm glad I went through those events with you.

Do you remember hanging out in my family room all the time? I loved that my friends wanted to be at my house. My mom loved it too.

Do you remember when you flirted with me in class? You made me feel beautiful.

Do you remember when we grew apart? I still don't understand what happened, and I'm still a little hurt by it after all those years.

Do you remember when you spread that lie about me? I knew it was you.

Do you remember when you had that solo in concert choir? I was jealous, but no one could have done it like you did. It was perfect.

Do you remember when I had the worst crush on the guy who was crazy about you? Of course you don't, because I never told you.

Do you remember when we went to state in basketball? I don't like basketball at all, but it was so fun to be swept up in the school spirit. It felt like everyone belonged.

Do you remember when I made fun of how you walk? I'm sorry. It was stupid and mean, and you were always so sweet and nice to me. I wish I could take that back.

Do you remember when you were so condescending about my bad grade on a test? Well, I know your ACT score, and you didn't really have a right to be condescending... ;) OK, that was catty. I know. I guess I haven't totally outgrown my high school self.

Do you remember when you stuck pencils up your nose while I was giving a speech to your class? I didn't skip a beat. I realized that I'm strong and that I can do anything I set my mind to.

Do you remember when I cussed you out at a pep assembly for mocking my friends? I was surprised and proud of myself. I wonder if you're still a jerk.

Do you remember how I stopped being your friend? I'm sorry I ignored you. I was new, and I just wanted to fit in. I wish I had handled that differently because I know I hurt you. I wish that stuff hadn't mattered to me then.

Do you remember when everyone sprayed silly string at graduation (except me because Mr. Brown took mine away)? It was breathtaking. And I'm not one bit sorry that we ruined the floor mats.

Do you remember how I made a choice for myself? You were angry, but I had to do it. I'm sorry it hurt you, but I so rarely did things like that. I needed it. If I had made the choice for you, my heart wouldn't have been in it. It would have been worse.

Do you remember going to football games? I loved Friday nights. I also loved when we broke the bleachers because we ALL had to stand on them instead of on the floor.

Do you remember our nasty P.E. uniforms? Enough said.

Do you remember when you brought me a rose? I didn't like you "like that," but it was so sweet, and it meant a lot to me.

Do you remember when I stayed the night and thought I felt a lipstick under the pillow, and it was your finger?!?!?! We laughed and I wasn't embarrassed anymore. I knew you'd always accept everything about me, even the weird and annoying things.

The Book That's Currently Messing With My Head

I haven't decided whether I'm blessing my friend Roberta or whether I'm cursing her. She recommended the author Anne LaMott to me, and I'm reading her book Traveling Mercies. This book is seriously messing with my head. It's so refreshing to read a book about faith that's by a real person. A person with flaws who cusses like I do and messes up like I do. It makes me feel like I'm OK and that I deserve some of the best things that I sometimes talk myself out of needing or wanting. And it makes me feel like God is accessible. And it helps my hope. Hope is a flame for me, and well, let's just say if it goes out, I go out. This book is fanning my flame.

And messing with my head.

I haven't decided if that's a bad thing yet or not, Roberta.

20th Class Reunion? How Did That Happen?

Yep, I'm old. My 20th high school class reunion is in just a few weeks. I sent in my check and my R.S.V.P. Then it suddenly dawned on me that I had nothing to wear to this thing!!! Ugh! Today Suzanne & I went shopping in Iowa City, and I found a cute outfit (ALL on sale) at Coldwater Creek. I love that store anyway, but it's usually way out of my price league. Today, however, was another story. This outfit was all on clearance, and I'm happy with it.

I'm excited about seeing people from my class... I hope my good high school friends will be there. I already know that some can't make it, but I hope to see many. I also am looking forward to seeing my Facebook friends. These are people that I didn't know very well from high school or that I really didn't think I had much in common with, but through Facebook, I feel like I know them. We comment on each others' picture or status here and there, and I feel very much like they are my friends. That is one of the bonuses of Facebook, in my opinion. My class had something like 287 people in it. My group of friends actually from my class that I considered "close" was pretty small. My group was more multi-grade through swing choir and theatre. I think I know many people in my class better now that I'm connected to them through Facebook than I ever would have otherwise. It's nice.

I hope we have fun. I hope it's not too cliquey (is that even a word?). I hope I'm comfortable. I hope it makes me want to go again in ten more years. I hope... ... hm... ... such weird feelings when you deal with the past. I was such a different person then. I'm sure everyone feels that to some extent. The person I was then was shiny and unblemished. I feel like the person I am now has been through the wringer. I'm sure we all have our bumps and bruises. But we all come from the same place and walked across the same stage in our blue and crimson caps and gowns.

Abraham Lincoln High School, Class of 1990.

Randomness

* It's going to be another rainy weekend. Blerg. But, Aunt Twila & Uncle Ben are going to be in town, so that will make things sunnier.

* Still no morels... grrr...

* I had an actual conversation on the phone with Tracy's Elora who is 2. Her little voice makes me weak. SO CUTE!

* 7th grade GOAL kids are working on stop-motion animated movies, and 8th grade GOAL kids are working on documentary films, so my poor classroom is flooded with cameras, tripods, sets, modeling clay... I'm drowning! In a good way!

* Andrew is kicking Professor Higgins' butt. My Fair Lady is going to be a really good show. The chorus seems really strong too. Come see it Father's Day weekend at the Sondheim Center.

* Hair got extended another weekend. Go see it, people! It's AMAZING!

* I cannot believe April is almost over. Stop the world! It's going too quickly! Wait. I'm ready for summer vacation pretty much right now. OK, world, start back up again.

* I wish I had a maid for just my kitchen. I could handle all the rest. Pretty much. Maybe I just need a maid period. Maybe I need to care more about housework in general. Hmm.

* I'm reading When You Reach Me out loud to Andrew right now. It's the Newbery Medal winner for 2010. This is an amazing book. Whether you're into young adult literature or not, you should read this book. It's put together so beautifully, and there are surprises. It comes together like a present at the end. Read it!

* I'm feeling very bossy. I'm giving a lot of orders in this post. :)

Walking the Walk

This week something dawned on me, and I'm proud of it. When it comes to my job, I walk the walk. I don't ask things of my students that I'm unprepared to do myself. I had never really thought about it before. I ask them to read. I am a reader as well. I ask them to audition. I put myself before directors too. I ask them to act and sing. I do this in public on a regular basis. I ask them to write. This week I wrote the review for Hair in the Fairfield Ledger. All 9 drafts of it.

This isn't a big thing, but it's a kind of epiphany I had this week.

Also, as soon as I'm not willing to walk that walk, I hope I have the guts to get out of teaching.

Sappy

I'm feeling sappy.

Uncle Dave & Andi are in Alaska right now. Andi just posted on Facebook about seeing 2 moose. It made me want to go back and look at all my Alaska pictures again from this summer. It also made me miss Grandma. This is the trip she wanted to take with her granddaughters. It just didn't work out. Then, it just didn't work out again for me to go with them. I'm infinitely grateful for my Alaska visit this summer. It was such a gift! Admittedly, I'm selfishly glad that I got my cousins to myself this summer, but I do wish that Andi and I could have spent some time together. I just don't feel like I know her very well. I really miss Grandma today. See? Sappy.

On another sappy note, our dear family friend Helen Knox from Indianola passed away last week. I'd been so terrible about keeping in touch after Grandma died. I didn't even get any Christmas cards sent out this year, so she hadn't heard from me in ages. When Andrew's Churchill play was in Des Moines, I thought that it might be something that Helen would enjoy. I called and left a message on her answering machine about it. Her sister called me back & said that Helen was in the hospital. She'd had colon cancer surgery at the beginning of March, and though the surgery went well, she just hadn't bounced back. She'd been in the hospital for about three weeks. When I was in Des Moines, I went to see her twice. She was so glad to see me, and I was glad to see her too. We didn't talk much because she'd just had her feeding tube out, and her throat was sore, but I just held her hand and spent time with her. Her sister called just a few days later to tell me that she'd passed away. Just like that. I'm so glad I saw her. So so so glad. I'm also pissed because her family didn't even put an obituary into the Fairfield paper. She did live here, and she always said no matter where she lived, Fairfield was her home. Helen never had any kids of her own. She always referred to Fairfield as her home and us as her family. On every card she ever sent, and she always sent Christmas cards and birthday cards, and sometimes, even Valentine's cards, she always told me I was her family. I hope she wasn't alone when she died. That's maybe the scariest part about not having kids... realizing that no one will be there when you're old. Helen seemed so alone to me, those days in the hospital. I know she had her sister and her nieces, but really, she was alone. It makes me so sad. I'm so glad I got to see her. She was such a dear friend to Grandma. She was such a dear friend to me. I'm happy to think of her reunion with my mom and my grandma. There were a lot of tears and hugs when Helen's family welcomed her home. Rest in peace, good soul.

Well, This is One Way to Take Action...

Interesting approach in California to protest budget cuts in education...

Hot for Teachers w/ Megan Fox and Brian Austin Green from Megan Fox

It's a Mystery!

Before any show of mine opens, I need to watch Shakespeare in Love. Before any and EVERY show of mine opens, I should remind myself of this scene:

HENSLOWE: Mr. Fennyman, let me explain about the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster. Believe me, to be closed by the plague is a bagatelle in the ups and downs of owning a theatre.

FENNYMAN: So what do we do ?

HENSLOWE: Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.

FENNYMAN: How ?

HENSLOWE: I don't know. It's a mystery.

Last night, the wonderful mystery that is the theatre happened at 404 W. Fillmore. The production of The Secret School that had been plagued with 9 snow days, suspended students, stomach flu... (do I need to go on?), somehow came together. I've never, in all my years directing middle school shows, stood at the back with a script in my hand in case my cast got lost beyond all possible improvisational covering. I also, in all my years directing middle school shows, have never burst into tears with my cast at intermission because I was so amazed and proud and relieved. I go into tonight's performance with the world's weight off my shoulders. They're going to be OK. How? I don't know. It's a mystery.

Nap Dreams

Today I napped while Andrew went into work. I sometimes have weird dreams when I sleep in the middle of the day, but this one was awesome. I dreamt that the door going into Andrew's formal living room (dubbed the Adult Room when his kids were little) led to a little theater. It was a great space with a rounded stage like at Spayde, but it was much smaller. It had a few rows of seats, no more than 25 or so. It was deep and had 4 doors around the back leading offstage... wish I would have checked those out in my dream! I was painting the stage a dark charcoal gray, but it wasn't level, and the paint wasn't covering like I wanted it to. I started picking away at one of the bumps, and the paint started peeling off. I realized it was going to be much easier to peel away the layers than to add another one on top. As I peeled away big sections of paint, I could tell by what was underneath what shows had been done. There were even (for some weird, odd, dreamy reason) actual production posters in each layer. I remember thinking, "Cool! My Fair Lady!" as I ripped away this poster and a layer of Pepto pink paint. Underneath it all was a beautifully worn wooden floor, rubbed smooth by thousands of feet in thousands of previous shows. I remember thinking that I couldn't wait to have a party there or to make the theater a cool new room of Andrew's house. Wouldn't that be awesome... to have your house attached to a small, old little theater? I love dreams.

Self-Absorbed? Maybe... But...

Within two days, I've heard of 3 fellow bloggers being called "self-absorbed" for blogging. I find this bizarre. Are these haters jealous? Are they ignorant? Do they have self-acceptance issues? Do they have ulterior motives? Are they just evil? And, if they think blogging is self-absorbed, WHY THE HECK ARE THEY READING PEOPLE'S BLOGS AT ALL?????

Why do I blog?

* Documentation. I like looking back on what was going on at certain points of my life. It's like an online journal for me.

* Connection. I have relatives and friends that use my blog to see what's going on in my life. They feel connected to me, even though we're miles (sometimes even continents) apart. I like reading others' blogs too for the same reason.

* Fun. Yes, maybe that's weird, but I think blogging is fun!

I know blogging isn't for everyone. Some people are private and just don't want the whole world knowing their business. Anyone who knows me knows that I wear my heart on my sleeve. I put it out there in life. Most everyone knows my business. I guess blogging is natural for people like me. Is it self-absorbed? Maybe. But, the last time I checked, no one was being forced to read it!

I don't enjoy amusement park water rides, but if you want to ride one, be my guest! I'll be waiting for you at the exit. And if you don't enjoy blogs, do us a favor... keep off the Raging Blog River. My fellow bloggers and I will meet up with you later!

Random Thoughts

* Why do I have such a hard time discussing a wonderful vacation? I still have a huge blog on my Alaska trip that's only 1/2 done. It's like I don't want to tamper with the memory or something. I need to work through that.

* Andrew is in Hong Kong. I've been talking to him every day, but today I really missed him. Wouldn't you know? It's the one day we had a terrible connection and could only talk a few minutes. Blerg. Maybe we'll be able to Skype when he gets to Taiwan tonight/tomorrow... the time zones are so freaking confusing.

* I'm headed into a busy 2 weeks of theatre... a variety of classes, 1st-8th grades. It's going to be an adventure!

* Interesting Oprah today. Uh, wow.

* I love the temp today. It's so not July. It's 64 right now, and the fresh breeze is blowing all around. I love air-conditioning... don't misunderstand. But I LOVE a fresh cool breeze where I don't even need the air!

* Avery's haircut looks ridiculous. His ears were pretty matted, so she cut them super short. He looks like a little girl with a bob. Poor thing.

* Went to a wedding last Saturday. The groom was 77 and the bride was 75. The church was packed. Love is the best.

* Finally finished Slings and Arrows yesterday. I'd been watching the series when Andrew came into the picture. It's taken about 6 months to finish. Netflix is seriously the best invention for me. The show was so freaking good. If you like theatre at all, you need to watch it. I LOVED it!

* I saw Harry Potter last night. It was good, but it made me sad. I knew what was coming, but it was still terrible.

* I want to see The Proposal and Julie & Julia. I'm sure there are others too. Oh, like My Sister's Keeper. Hmm. What else? Can't think of anything right now.

* My guy will be back 1 week from tomorrow. It seems like forever. Sigh. :I

Yes, it's a Post about Earwax

Earwax is weird and gross. It smells funny. And, as I unfortunately found out while chewing on some random pen in a hotel outside Chicago about ten years ago, it tastes terrible. Does anyone know why we have earwax? I seriously don't know. Enlighten me, please!

So (as you might have read in the previous post), my ears have been plugged, and I haven't been able to hear well for over a week now. Let's just say rehearsals for my show which opens in less than a week have become a little unnerving. I don't know if I'm on pitch half the time! A few days ago, my jaw started hurting pretty ferociously too (I could barely touch the outside of my face yesterday without wincing), and I'd felt dizzy on a couple of occasions. These symptoms all added up to what I feared was an inner problem. Or a tumor. That's where my mind goes, you see.

Today, I finally bit the bullet and went to see about it. Turns out it was earwax. I had some industrial flushing with a pretty massive silver syringe, and aside from thinking my brains might start oozing out my ears too, it wasn't too bad. Not painful at all... just sort of uncomfortable.

OK, I know this is gross. Substances produced by our bodies are rarely pleasant (have you ever noticed that?). But I'm flummoxed by this earwax thing. How can something so lame cause me so much pain? Weird. And gross.

Drama Queen Alert

I have had 12 hours of Drama Queenedness. Why do I have to be so emotional and completely overreact to every single crisis in my life? We had quite a setback last night with the set for the middle school play, and I seriously melted down. Maybe it was more of an inner meltdown than what I let on, but I'm lucky it didn't end in violence. I could have decked someone with no problem whatsoever. This morning I was still in a complete tizzy, and that's when tears started. I'm much better now, having accepted the inevitable, but it took a good 12 hours for me to feel like myself again. My emotions are such a roller coaster. I guess that comes with the territory of being a total Drama Queen.

Today's Random Thoughts and Questions

Tracy's Olivia, age 4: "I wish my nose was long enough so I could smell my own breath."

"Love Changes Everything" from Aspects of Love:  "Love can make the summer fly, or a night seem like a lifetime."  Currently, for me, time has no meaning.  

Why do Anne Geddes' photos look creepy to me now, when I used to really love them?

I got the funniest valentine from Tracy today.  It's not really appropriate to put on here, but I will tell you that the inside of the card said, "Have yourself a thoroughly satisfying Valentine's experience!"  I'll leave it at that and just keep you all wondering.  ;)

I am not managing my sleep well these days.  It's worth it, but I need to figure out a new plan.  Hmmm.

Will my 6th graders be ready for Invent Iowa?  The competition is next Tuesday, and I'm a little scared.  No level of nagging, begging, inspiring, or threatening is getting through to them at this point.  Blerg.

I predict I will survive the upcoming crazy month before the kids' show exclusively on kisses and Diet Mountain Dew.

I can't believe where I was a month ago.  I can't believe how things have changed.  I can't believe how full I feel inside and how amazing it all is.  I just can't believe it.  I'm a lucky, blessed girl.